The Foxy Duck of St Canard
by Honey Bear
Summary: St. Canard might be a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there. *Complete*
1. The Foxy Duck of St Canard: Chapter 1

**The Foxy Duck of St. Canard**

This is a story all about how

Life turned and flipped upside down

And it'll only take a minute, it's not too hard 

To tell you how I got in peril in the city of St. Canard

**Chapter 1**

This is my story about the time I met Darkwing Duck! I will warn you that this story has some—well—colorful language. So prudes need not apply. Ok, are the prudes gone? ¡Bueno! Where should I begin—Oh yeah….

Some time ago, I was visiting my relatives in St. Canard. I was in my uncle's home—well you know—chillin'. I was staying in a second story room in the front of the house. That particular afternoon, I drank ginger beer and skimmed through some catalogs. After awhile, I got kind of bored so I went to the window to look outside. Ay, it was a glorious sunny day. I happened to look to the front yard and guess what I spotted. A litterbug! Some fool just finished off a candy bar and had the nerve to drop the wrapper on my uncle's prized lawn. To make matters worse he was standing in the middle of the yard, when there was clearly a sign stating: Keep off the Grass. 

I opened the window and yelled outside, "Hey you!"

He looked up at me and gestured like 'you talking to me?'

"Yeah you! Pick up your trash and get off the lawn!" I hollered.

The riffraff had the nerve to defiantly fold his arms. Let me tell you, this riffraff was different from your usual garden variety riffraff. This drake had on some wild stylish threads. Let me describe it to you; red wide brimmed fedora with a black band, red turtleneck shirt, yellow double breasted jacket with four large black buttons on the front of the jacket and two small black buttons on each cuff, a black CAPE with a dark red lining and the wildest part of all—a black MASK! Yes, I believed he was a pimp. I thought who else would dress so damn eccentric! 

"Get off the lawn, you illiterate pimp!" I yelled out the window.

The pimp yelled back, "You can't talk to me like that!"

"I just did! GET—OFF—THE—LAWN!!!" I bellowed.

"I'll get you bitch!" He shook his fist.

"Watch your language ignorant bastard! I'm a coatimundi!" I gave the pimp the raspberry. 

The duck jumped up startled at my insolence. I guessed he was so used to nobody in his stable giving him lip. He ran off and I huffed at his stupidity. I closed the window and turned to get a snack when I heard a loud THUMP! I turned to the window and saw that the pimp duck had smacked straight into the window. He slowly slid down the window and fell unto the yard. I disgustedly looked at the window. That fool got my uncle's window all smeared up. I glared out the window and saw a pole with the fool in a heap. I guessed he tried to pole vault into the window. I opened the window and shook my head in pity for the fool. He sprang up and ran off somewhere. I looked around figuring that he would be back and I was right. He was clutching a ladder and quickly set it up to my window. He frantically climbed the ladder and was greeted by a barred window gate to the bill. I mentally thanked my uncle for burglar proofing his home. It's a shame St. Canard was so crime ridden.  

The pimp and the ladder plummeted to the street below. Of course, Pimp duck wouldn't give up so easily. He was quickly back up on the ladder and shaking the bars on my window.

 I yelled, "Give it up you crazy pimp! I'm calling the cops!"

He growled, "Go ahead! The police in this city are worthless! We'll be in a retirement home before they come!"

I speed dialed the police on my cell phone, went through a very long automated voice answering system and then was put on hold. I yelled out all kinds of obscenities that I'm too ladylike to repeat. 

Pimp duck chortled, "Told you so! You're on your own." He reached through the bars and grabbed my jade dress. "Now let me teach you a lesson!" he snarled.

"Get off of me you weird wicked wrongdoer!" I hollered.

He momentarily stopped, gave me a strange look then went back to trying to drag me towards him. 

I shrieked, "¡¡Dios mío!!" and luckily struggled out of my dress. When I got free I was so horrified. "PLUCK YOU!!!" I screeched.

He looked me up and down, and then leered. "Is that an offer, puta?" 

Enraged, I hit him on the head with the phone as hard as I could. He was dazed and once again he fell backwards unto the pavement. 

I opened the bars, shook my fist at pimp duck and screamed, "That's the only blow to the head you'll ever get from me!!"

He jumped up and I threw a bucket of ice-cold water onto him. 

As he shook himself off of the water, I yelled, "I know why you're so mean and nasty! You been without you sorry pimp!"

He looked up perplexed. "Without what, Taco Bella?"

"You know! You don't have a woman, I bet!"

He narrowed his eyes and pouted.

"HA! See if you had a woman, Mr. Mack Daddy; you wouldn't be wasting time trying to get your grubby hands on my honey pot. You be too busy getting some sweet stuff elsewhere!"

 He clenched his fists and his face contorted into a scowl. He then muttered obscenities and angrily stormed off. I waited for awhile and he didn't return. Thank goodness, I thought but then more losers showed up in the evening.


	2. The Foxy Duck of St Canard: Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Later that evening, I was getting ready to meet my uncle and other relatives at a restaurant. I was stylin' in my beloved jade mini-sheath dress with matching high heeled pumps. I got out of the house and saw four VERY strange guys on the side of the house. I barraged over to them. "Ya'll better not be loitering on the property knocking down 40s!"

They shook their heads, 'No'. I sized them up; they were wackier than Pimp duck! One was a rodent with a large battery strapped on his back. Another was a clown duck with buck teeth, big lips and a banana puppet. There was a dog that was all wet; and my favorite, a duck who must have experimented with WAY too much medicinal herbs! If you know what I mean.  

I folded my arms and said, "Let me guess, you're Pimp duck's posse." 

The clown insanely giggled, "Pimp duck!!"

"Yes. That yellow jacketed fiend who tried to molest me!" I growled. They all laughed. 

The wet dog proclaimed, "Self-Righteous Indignation, strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"

I scrunched my face in bewilderment.  

The rat with the battery chimed, "So you're the little spark who has our fearless leader's blood boiling." He whipped out a light bulb and addressed it, "But you would never sass me, now would you?" He kissed the bulb and hugged it.

I put my hand to my face in disbelief. 

The loco weed duck shook like a leaf and addressed me, "I don't know what you told him but boy is he mad!" 

The insane clown duck tittered to his banana puppet toy, "Shorty got him trippin'. He's so hot; it isn't even funny." Insane clown then used his banana puppet to say in a falsetto voice, "Yeah, but he's gonna make it hot for Shorty!" 

I put my hands on my hips and rolled my eyes.

The Freaky Four then ran away. I shrugged my shoulders and proceeded to meet up with my relatives at the restaurant, when The Freaky Four suddenly came back. They had a ladder and some kind of weird device. They set up the ladder and started to install the weird device on the side of the house where I was staying.

I shouted, "What the hell are you people doing?"

The wet dog declared, "Your night just got more interesting."

"That thing better not be a spy cam. That pimp duck won't be getting any naughty pictures of me!" I growled.

Insane clown sniggered, "I have no clue what it is, Scrappy Boo."

I shook my head and sighed. I shouted, "Stop whatever you're doing! Get down from there!"

Wet dog announced, "We answer to a higher authority."

Weed duck affirmed, "Yup … no can do. We're following orders."

I knew these guys were worthless and if I wanted anything to be solved I would have to find Pimp duck. I scoffed, "Muy bien. So where is your fearless leader?"

They all stopped and looked at each other. Battery backpack rat answered, "We don't know, mamacita. I guess he's around somewhere." 

I glowered at them and disgustedly threw up my hands. I turned to search out Pimp duck when the wet dog howled, "Baby got back!" The loony losers whistled, whooped and snickered up a storm.

I tossed my curly ginger hair and muttered, "Egg suckers"; as I stomped off to kill their pimp.


	3. The Foxy Duck of St Canard: Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I looked up and down the street for the leader of the insane posse. I ran to the end of the block and spotted a young goose with a large brood. 

I politely inquired to the mother goose, "Miss, excuse me. This is very important; can you help me?"

The mother goose replied, "Sure."

"Have you seen a duck wearing a hat, double breasted jacket, cape and a mask?" I asked.

She perked up and responded, "Yes! I just saw him right down that block with a tall creepy woman."

One of her older children whined, "There was something moving in her hair!"

I smirked and thought to myself, 'Pimp duck finally went out and got himself a skanky ho, good for him.' 

I gleefully spoke, "Thank you so very much!" I quickly waved to the helpfully mother goose and her brood then I ran over to where she claimed to have spotted him.

I dashed down the block and spotted him with a tall female duck. I got in close and caught my breath. I glanced over his woman. She looked Goth but she didn't look skanky at all. I thought she looked elegant, guess he decided to go upscale. I felt if he would dump The Sick Squad, he could have a good game.

I screamed at him, "You pathetic pimp! Get your funky whores away from the house!" 

His eyes widened and he stood motionlessly dumbfounded.

Incensed, I jabbed his chest with my finger. "Don't pretend to act all innocent, now! You molesting madman!"

The Goth female duck folded her arms and narrowed her eyes. She addressed the pimp, "Dark, darling! What's this all about?"

I threw up my hands and screamed, "He littered on the lawn, stomped all over the grass, threatened me, ripped my dress off and his blockhead broke my precious cell phone!!"

The Goth eyes bulged and her jaw dropped.

I seethed at Pimp duck and continued; "Now you have the nerve to have your Freaky Four posse put some kind of weirdo device on the house!!"

Pimp duck spoke in a stupor, "Freaky Four?"

"Yes! As if you don't know.…" I momentarily ceased my rant and noticed that he didn't seem to be as malicious as he was earlier. I glanced at his baffled woman and said, "I guess you took my advice and that chilled you out but still … get those weirdoes and that device off the house."

"Huh? What?" the perplexed pimp sputtered.

I put my hand to my chin and looked him over. We were the same height but without my pumps on, he would've been a little bit taller than me. He had the same outfit as before but in different colors. It seemed like he was wearing the reverse color scheme from this afternoon. I mentally snorted at pimps and their tendency for flamboyancy. I picked up his cape and noted, "I guess you got a different colored outfit for the evening. I have to admit I really love your outfit, especially in this color scheme. Cool colors are my favorites. ¡Es fabuloso! Usted semeja un zorro." 

He gently pulled the cape out of my hand and dramatically wrapped it around himself. "Uh … Muchas gracias, señorita."

The Goth wondered aloud, "Different colored outfit! Dark, you know what that means.…"

The zorro duck answered, "Of course! And I think I know exactly who The Freaky Four are! Miss, I'm definitely not the duck you're looking for."

I sighed and knew he was telling the truth. He's wasn't the duck from this afternoon even though they could be twins. They were like brothers but from a different mother, like a different world altogether. I dejectedly spoke, "Terrific! Since it seems you're not Pimp duck; how I am going to get rid of his hoes and the strange device? The cops still haven't shown up from this afternoon."

The Goth covered her bill with her hand to suppress a laugh. 

El Zorro boisterously laughed, "Pimp duck! His hoes! I love it!!" He wiped a tear of laughter from his eye. "I deduce you're new in town." He valiantly pounded his chest with his fist. "Don't worry Miss. I will take care of them!"

My eyes widened in surprise and I jubilantly clasped my hands. "Really?"

El Zorro gallantly gestured. "Absolutely! It's what I do—it's what I live for!"

Goth duck shook her head assuring me that he was on the level. 

I astonishingly placed my hands to my chest. "Wow!"

Zorro duck asked, "Where's your residence?"

I pointed and replied, "The next block over."

He quickly turned and waved to his Goth girlfriend. "Let's go, Morg!" He bolted towards my uncle's home.

Goth duck hastily glided right behind him. "Sure thing, Dark!"

I perplexedly contorted my face and thought, 'Dark? Morgue? These people are weird too. Talk about Freak and Freakier.' I ran right behind Goth duck and said to myself, "There's no way I'm going to miss the pimp smack down of the century."

El Zorro was on the corner looking over to my uncle's residence. The Goth and I got to the corner at the same time. I looked to my uncle's house and saw that Pimp duck was back and he was chewing out his lackeys. I whispered to Zorro duck, "That's him." I pointed out Pimp duck. 

El Zorro lowered his eyelids and cracked his knuckles. "Let's—Get—Dangerous!"

Just then a woman from behind yelled out, "You're needed! Something terrible has happened."

Both El Zorro and I turned and responded in unison, "What is it!" We both looked at each other and embarrassingly grinned. 

The woman, who turned out to be my cousin Neblina, frantically spoke, "Viveza! Poppa—Uncle Trueno—he's been in a terrible accident!"

I gasped and placed my hands to my mouth. I then covered my eyes and bemoaned, "¡Ay, Ay, Ay! My poor uncle! His house! What a horrible day!"

The Goth consolingly rubbed my back. "I'm so sorry." 

El Zorro grabbed me by the shoulders and assured, "Don't worry, ok! I'll take care of the house. It'll be alright! I'll make sure those horrendous hooligans will never bother you or your family again. You go to your uncle." 

I looked up teary-eyed and was so speechless with gratitude that I just meekly smiled. Before I could get the words to properly express my thanks, Neblina tugged on my arm to let me know that it was time to go. We ran off to her car and she drove us to the hospital.


	4. The Foxy Duck of St Canard: Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

My cousin Neblina and I got to the hospital to see Uncle Trueno. ¡Dios mío! He's ok. At High Liver restaurant, Uncle Trueno got involved in a melee on the All You Can Eat buffet line and a colossal duck wearing a Hawaiian shirt toppled over unto him. My uncle resultantly got his ankle twisted. I'm so very happy my uncle wasn't seriously injured and when we all got back to his house; it was alright like Zorro duck promised. Because I went to the hospital I missed the confrontation between El Zorro vs. The Freaky Five. I still couldn't fathom that the vigilante Zorro duck took on Pimp duck and his posse. I prayed that Zorro duck and his Goth friend were alright. All that was left of the blockbuster battle was some scorch marks on the pavement, a few white feathers, some teeth, a few tiny puddles, some plant clippings and a blue canister. I don't know why but I kept the canister as a souvenir. Somehow I knew that it belonged to El Zorro. I didn't talk about it to my uncle and relatives since I felt they've been through enough and everything was back to normal. Matter-of-fact, Neblina was so concerned about her poppa's health and she was too busy arguing with him about patronizing dives like High Liver instead of more upscale St. Canardian restaurants such as Shadow Chateau. She actually never bothered to question me about the incident.  

The last day of my visit in St. Canard, I went to The Whiz Shack electronics store to get a new cell phone. I chatted to the sales personnel about how I broke my old cell phone and they were astonished. One of the guys told me who was who. Pimp duck was the nefarious Negaduck. Battery backpack rat was Megavolt, Insane clown duck was Quackerjack, Wet dog was The Liquidator and Weed duck was Bushroot. Collectively they were super-villains known as The Fearsome Five. El Zorro turned out to be St. Canard's intrepid nocturnal superhero, Darkwing Duck. His Goth girlfriend was an entrepreneur and supposed bruja, Morgana McCawber. I was blown away! Super-villains? Superhero? I never knew such things existed outside of cartoons and comic books. Truthfully, I known about brujas and witchcraft but I won't go into details. Anyways, I thanked my guardian angel that I wasn't killed by The Fearsome Five. Although, personally I still believe Negaduck was a frustrated pimp who needed to get his freak on. But you didn't hear that from me, ok.

Well, that's pretty much my story. I look back with regret that I never really got the chance to properly thank Darkwing Duck for protecting my uncle's home and me. What he did was so selfless, so very heroic. I mean … I have no idea how I could even send him a thank note. I wished I could have fixed for him some empanadas or taken him out for a complimentary cappuccino and a scone. I wished I could've done just something, anything to have let him know how much I appreciated what he did. I wished I could've given his girlfriend Morgana McCawber something appreciative too, considering that she was so very understanding given the circumstances. I could've gotten her all kinds of therapeutic herbs and fetishes wholesale. Don't look at me like that; it's all legit. 

At the electronics store in St. Canard, when I found out that Darkwing Duck was a superhero, I told the sales personnel that I should've taken a picture with him or gotten an autograph. They laughed at the notion. They couldn't believe it. Darkwing Duck was a superhero and I wanted to treat him like a celebrity. I'm so silly. I guess they were right; Darkwing probably wouldn't have appreciated some giddy fan girl pestering him for a picture and autograph. Sigh, muy bien.

Darkwing Duck with all respective characters and references are copyright of The Walt Disney Company. Used without permission for non-profit entertainment purposes. All other characters and story are copyright of Honey Bear. The story is based upon a _really strange dream that I had. So I guess I have to give The Sandman (or was his name Nodoff ^_^) some credit. _

**Spanish FYI: **

Ay: Oh, ah, alas

Bruja: Witch

Bueno: Good

Coatimundi is a type of South American raccoon. 

Dios mío: My God. / My goodness.

Es fabuloso: It's fabulous.

Mamacita: Honey, baby, hot mama (Slang)

Muchas gracias, señorita: Many thanks, Miss. / Thank you very much, Miss. 

Muy bien: Very well

Puta: Whore, harlot

Usted semeja un zorro: You resemble a fox. / You're like a fox.

(El) Zorro: (The) Fox 

**Credits:**

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" by D.J. Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince

"Secret, strong enough for a man but made for a woman." – Procter & Gamble

"Your night just got more interesting." – Bacardi Silver

"We answer to a higher authority." – Hebrew National

"Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot 

Zorro created by Johnston McCulley.


End file.
